Dear Diary

I am of mixed emotion. I feel so sad for Martin. He is sinking in to his depression and I feel a heavy weight of guilt. I know I have mothered him, done everything for him. I don't think I could help it. Because I had him so young, 16, I carried the guilt that I couldn't give him what 'normal' married mums and dads with jobs and houses could give him, so I guess I tried to make up for it by doing everything for him. He has never been spoilt in the materialistic sense, just spoilt with love I guess. It doesn't seem that he can cope out there. I don't think he can live with his own company too well. Martin is a deep thinker, he asks me the questions 'what's it all about' 'what's the point' 'what can I do to find happiness' and I can't answer them, and it leaves me feeling helpless. Martin hates himself, he hates the way he looks, he hates that he thinks he is stupid, he hates that he can't handle money, he doesn't believe that he is capable of anything he puts his mind to. His moments of happiness are short lived and almost have a fakeness about them. It's been a long time since I have seen him truly happy, since his acne started when he was about 14 to be honest. It wasn't just a few years of spots, it has had a deep and profound affect on his life and how he feels about himself, and how he perceives that others see him.
This latest event has shaken him up more than I thought. We had a chat last night at work, and I can see that he is a long way from 'over it'. He didn't turn up for three shifts last week after seeing the bloke who beat him up in Sainsbury's, I have had a chat with the counter manager, and tried to make her understand what he is going through, but I don't think they understand the whole picture, of course they don't know Martin like I do.

We have decided to drop the charges, we have been told by a few people it would be wise, as he is in with a nasty crowd. Martin is terrified. I am so angry, I feel sick with anger. I don't know who to talk to, where to turn, how to get rid of this frustration. I don't know where to get Martin some help. He hasn't been offered any counselling, nothing. The police still haven't arrested the guy because, get this, they don't know where he lives. It doesn't matter now though, we will drop charges and he will continue to carry on with his life, whilst Martin is left to pick up the pieces.

I have a week off from Sainsbury's, and will try and spend some time with Martin. I think he wants to come back home. I reckon his thinking was that if he moved away he might leave some of his problems behind, but it hasn't worked out. At the moment he needs someone with him to keep his head above water.

I am wondering if the softly softly approach is making it worse, is it time for the 'pull yourself together?'

I am reading lots, trying to get away from my thoughts, I have managed to read 2 novels in the last couple of days, anything to take my thoughts away, anything so I just don't have to think.

*I have just had a call from Martin, in the last minute of his shift he managed to slice through to the bone of one of his fingers. He is over the hospital. I'm sure he has pushed the self destruct button.