Trying again

16 August 2006 -

I feel a quit coming on. I feel rough, sooo tired all the time. I've got no energy at all. Everytime I think about doing something, it's like I'll just have a ciggie first, then I sit down and can't be arsed to get up again. Totally drained and washed out. So I put on a few pounds, I felt sooo much more awake and full of energy. I haven't lost any weight, even though I'm hardly eating anything, no appetite, and what I do eat tastes of cardboard. I'm gonna give it another go. I was 85 days smoke free, and Ive been smoking for about a month, so I'm hoping it won't be too difficult this time around. Not sure what to do about Keith tho, he smokes 30 odd a day, there is nowhere for him to run off to, to have a sneaky one. he can't keep going in the garden or hanging out the window every five mins. It might be easier cos he's back at work, previously he was off after a knee op, so he was around me 24/7 smoking. It will only be the evenings I will have to contend with, which aren't too bad cos we have to be in bed by about 9 anyhow. I'm gonna have a read back through my journal and see where I went wrong or where I can make changes, to make it easier. I sooo wish I hadn't given in. I would be well over 100 days now. I think I may quit now, right now, this fag I'm smoking is foul. I might cheat and carry on from the 85 days, hmmm, nah. Day one, as from now, I am a non smoker. I am not going to tell anyone this time, no big fuss, no special thing, I'm just gonna quietly quietly quit. Wish me luck ....

OK, now, what's all this about? A girl called Nikki, amongst many others on You Tube, who obviously thinks she looks as sexy as hell smoking those fags. It actually turns my stomach, yes I smoke (did smoke) But I sure as hell didn't think it was sexy, or have I ever , ever, enjoyed doing it. Wonder if she thinks it will still be sexy when in 20 yeras time she,s coughing up tons of shit and using an oxygen mask to help her breathe. A smokers cough just isn't a turn on, I know, I hear one every morning.