02 August 2006 - Now I Know

Now I know why I quit in the first place:

can't get to the top of the house before collapsing on the stairs to get my breath back
Can't taste my food, don't really enjoy what I do eat
wake up with a really tight chest and scratchy at the back of my nose
I am aware that I smell gross
I am aware that I don't look to great with a rolly hanging out me gob
I am back to my late afternoon 40 winks, had so much energy when I quit, didn't feel the need to do that once
Have trouble waking up, woke up full of the joys of spring when I didn't smoke, reeeeally early too
Always got the guilt thing that I'm gonna get cancer and die young, leaving my kids, who will be in their 30's, without anyone to do their washin and be there to consol them when their other half's sleep with their best friend
I feel another quit date creeping up
Did read somewhere that the average is 5 or 6 times quitting before you succeed, prolly bull but I will hold on to that!
It will be my 4th time, 40 days, 60 days and last one 85 days, can't beleive I quit quitting, gotta go through all that crap again. At least I've got this journal to relate back to, so I know things won't really get any better, even after 85 days, or a zillion month's in Kirsty's case, that's gotta help!
damn that nicotine ...

I will study where I went wrong, try and prepare for the weight gain, I knew I would gain some weight but I wasn't prepared for how quickly, and wasn't prepared for the hard work to keep the weight down. I think that was my main concern, it ain't nice to watch yourslef grow like that, like one of those sponge monsters that quadruple their size when left in water for 48 hours, yes, just like that!


back to work now, got a crappy 120 minute group, poor quality, talking about The Sunday Times, Yaaaaawwwnnnnn, ere caz, make the most of the time off, look at what you're missing! 11 hours trying to decipher ten squawking women all talking crap. Yes it really is 5.15 am, If I have any hope of finishing this transcript before the deadline, needs must and all that.