31 May 2006 - 47 DAYS

booked this week off, Monday through till whenever I feel like taking work again, trouble is, I don't!

Haven't done much, mainly housework, that's a lie actually, haven't done much. Went night fishing last night, for some reason didn't enjoy it too much cos I just wanted a ciggie. They were both smoking, Phil and Keith, like troupers, and looking like they really were enjoying it, probably cos they were. I was prepared for this, I still am prepared for this, this last week has been worse than the first week, honest, I just cant explain why. If the physical addiction is gone then why has it got so hard, why am I wanting a ciggie all the bloody time. I'm craving so bad, when I get up, after meals, all the time. I'm hoping this will pass, it must be the same time period that I have quit quitting with my last two attempts. Keith said last night he was proud of me, he can't beleive I've done it, lots of people say they are proud, do they ever really know how much it takes to quit this weed, just how difficult it is. I mean 47 days, and I'm still wanting one how long will it before it doesn't consume my thoughts all bloody day long. I am determined, just wanted to pop on and moan really, it's making me miserable, I have three ulcers, as soon as one goes another appears, the dentist reckons its stress, I reckon it's the stupid dentist causing the stress, I go today at 11.50 to have the teeth fitted again, I just know they won't be any good again, they would have had to have made them in 2 days cos of the bank holiday, 10 crowns remade in two days, a rush job if you ask me! we'll see, hour and a half to go.

Eating like a pig, waistline like a pig, that's also depressing me and making me want to just sit and smoke the pounds away.

I have to try and get in a positive frame of mind, fast.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRSTY, I hope you have a wonderful day, if I lived near you I think maybe today we'd sneak somewhere quiet, where we wont' be seen, and have a sneaky. just one won't hurt, celebratory joint birthday fag! MMmmmmm mmmmm ...

The weather don't help much, still waiting to get out in the garden, waiting for a really hot sunny day, waiting for lots of things that don't happen.

BTW, I want a pug, I really want a pug, I've left lots of sites where you cna buy them in my favourite list, hoping that Keith will spot them and go buy me one as a special treat for my birthday. But he has already said no, he said if I want one I can find somewhere else to live with it, and because he knows me too well he said that if he ever comes home to find me with a pug on my lap it will feel the end of his boot up his backside and we will both be out the door. Then after some whinging, which I'm very good at, he said I can get one when the cats have gone .... Hmmmm, how much do I love those cats? (Pics of jolson above, how can you not love that! The dog will have to wait I guess)

I will make it to 50 days, and take it from there!